Feelings of Adoption

One of my little sisters just recently asked for my feelings about the adoption process.  She was doing a speech from a soon-to-be-parent's point of view.  This is what I wrote for her and since I have not posted anything for about 8 months, I figured this would be fitting.

Waiting for an adoption has taken many forms in quite the roller-coaster of emotions. One of those being excitement. Excitement the day we got all our paperwork in and thought "We are going to be parents tomorrow! We are the best looking couple in the pool with the best jobs and the best extended family. We look really good!" Excitement every time we get a "hospital-baby" call (a birthmother who either didn't know she was pregnant or had not made a decision on an adoption plan births a baby and an adoptive family is needed immediately). Excitement when we get an email from our case worker that there are birthmothers making adoption plans and they will be choosing a family soon.

Another emotion being happiness-ish. While we are waiting, thinking about what our new little one may look like and grow up to be. Happiness as we prepare a nursery with the cutest jungle animals (painted all by myself!), purchasing our first crib and stroller. Don't even mention how happy we were when we bought the crib mattress and sheet! Happy that over the several years of infertility, we are finally going to get what we have always wanted. 

And then you get the feeling of just neutrality. "Eh, it'll happen." Go on with our day and sometimes not even think about it.

At the bottom of each rollercoaster hill, you have depression, anger, and jealousy. Watching other people with their brand new babies, hearing about people getting pregnant so easily as if by mistake. Wishing you were able to tuck your child in every night, give them a kiss, and read them a book. Wishing you could complain about having to deal with how much diapers cost, how little sleep you got the night before, that they are crawling and getting into EVERYTHING, that they cry all night, that you're using your own sick days because they're sick. Thinking the people that live in that house with the broken down cars out front and plastic over the windows, and six kids deserved them more than we do. Or the ones in the grocery store that yell at their kids in front of everyone. This, of course, makes us think "What did we ever do to not deserve our own children?"

And then with a quick email to and from our case worker, or a change of routine, or scenery, we are back to maybe the neutrality stage, or the happiness-ish stage, and quite even possibly the excitement stage.  Knowing full well that the roller-coaster ride will never end.  It will continue even after we are placed. Excitement of each milestone. Happiness in finally having someone to share our lives with. Neutrality when it all becomes routine.  Depression, anger, and jealousy when we go through the process again thinking it was easier the first time and why is it quicker and easier for some. The depression and anger and sadness of having your child get hurt, go to the doctor, get their shots, get really sick, getting no sleep.  It will never end. 

Waiting impatiently...

Last post was about getting our portfolio in and officially being in the adoption pool.  So we've been waiting since then... impatiently mind you (well, at least I have).  In April we had a close call.  Our adoption coordinator called us one weekend afternoon with a "hospital baby".  Healthy caucasian boy born that day and the mother had decided she wanted an adoption plan.  She wanted a sort of closed adoption.  The coordinator had only called to make sure we were within 3 hours of Anchorage before she showed our portfolio.  Unfortunately, we were not chosen.

So we continue to wait.  We are really hoping before the summer is out that we will be placed with our first little baby.  In the mean time we wait... impatiently.

The tracing

Background color done - still deciding on white or dark - went with dark

While we wait, I started on the nursery.  I figured the painting can get done that way the fumes are gone by the time a baby needs to sleep in there.  After MUCH contemplation on what "theme" to go with, I decided (yes, I.  Matt was not included in the decision but said he liked it anyway) to go with a jungle/safari theme.  I borrowed a projector from the school and projected a little scene on the walls to trace.  I then decided I was going to do blue whether it was boy or a girl because I liked the colors I had chosen - Missoula Blue and Big Sky Blue (no joke!!).  Unfortunately I couldn't decide on whether to do a white silhouette or dark.  I finally decided on dark, but it made the painting that much more difficult.

Putting the crib together

We had bought a crib a week or so before I started the project (or after I traced, but before I painted).  So after the nursery was finished, Matt did his Daddy Duty and put the crib together.  All that is left to do is get a dresser (one that will also work as a changing table) and a rocker (which Matt says I'm not getting, but what does he know haha).  And a baby, of course!!

KERSPLASH!!!

Well, we did it!!  All our paperwork is completed and handed in.  We met with our adoption coordinator yesterday... we are OFFICIALLY IN THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY POOL!!!!  Our portfolio and "Dear Birthmother" letter were the last things we had to complete.  It was A LOT of work!  So many questions had to be answered about our life.  But it was great to self-reflect and also reflect on our relationship.
So what does all this mean?
Basically, we can get a call at ANY time now saying a birthmother has selected us.  It could be tomorrow, it could be a year, or even longer.  We do know that there are only 7 other families in the pool, so we have a good chance of it happening quick!  Plus we have our portfolio on file with the Fairbanks as well.  So our opportunities widen!!
We are both SUPER excited, but also very nervous.  This weekend (at least for Lindsay) will be spent cleaning out the back room and moving stuff around so we can paint and have at least the room ready to go.
Since we really don't know when to expect a baby, we will be registering for baby stuff soon - at least for the necessities.
We want to thank everyone out there that has been praying for us and supporting us through all our infertility and adoption processes.  We haven't given up yet on having a biological baby, but we are so excited to hopefully start a family very soon! :)

Home Study Finalized!

Since our last post, our adoption process has moved quickly.  In December, before Christmas, our adoption coordinator came out to do the home study.  This is where they make sure your home is safe for children (no chains or items of torture) and that you are sane enough to have children in your home.  Really all she did was check to make sure we had a room designated for a child, that every sleeping room had smoke detectors, and that our guns were locked up.  After that we sat down and had a conversation about what we were looking for in a child, how we met, and other biographical questions.
The home study writer came back the following week to do the second of three home studies (the third one will be done when a child is placed with us).  This time she only spoke with Lindsay for about an hour and a half and then with Matt for an hour and a half.  She asked questions about our childhood, our families, how we felt about our spouse, how we dealt with stress, work, and what our support systems were like.
It all went really well.  The writer had told us ahead of time that it is pretty difficult not to be approved on the home study.  You would have to be some crazy criminal.  Lindsay was not worried, but was very surprised that Matt was worried about being approved.  Matt is usually the optimist.  The writer sent a copy of the home study to us to look over before she handed it to her supervisor, and we had to fix any errors that we saw.  With a few minor errors it was ready to be finalized.
As of January 26th, we are officially able to have a child placed in our home!! YAY!
So what are the next steps?  We are currently working on our portfolio that will be seen by birthmothers (or soon-to-be birthmothers) and our "Dear Birthmother" letter.  These are handed to those parents who we are considered to be a good match for.  It's pretty much our life in a few pages and photos.  So it will take a bit to finish.
We also have to take an infant care class, which will be February 14th.  After all those are done, we will be officially placed in the pool of adoptive families!  I'm hoping by the time our class is finished, we will be good to go - so mid- to end of February is my goal.
We are both very excited!  It has been quite the experience so far, but we know since it's gone good so far, this must be what God wants us to do.  We are currently taking a break from all the injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, and fertility medication - letting Lindsay's body relax for a bit.  We are not giving up having a biological child, but it's nice to have a break!!

Thanksgiving Pie

For my birthday, my brother- and sister-in-law got me a beautiful pie plate that I was able to use this Thanksgiving. It made my pie look so pretty!!  My mother-in-law also bought the three girls in the family (including herself) Thanksgiving pie cutters.  I used those to make a beautiful fall cover for my apple pie and also to "spice" up my pumpkin pies.

The only way to eat apple pie!!!

The perfect pumpkin pie companion!

My yummy apple pie - can't see the pie plate very well but the edges are the cool part!!

Pumpkin pie with turkey pie shapes

Adoption Application Finished!

We've done it!  It only took a month (plus) to complete, but it's done!  I put our finished adoption application in the mail this morning.  It felt like a huge task stuffing that envelope, sealing it up, and placing it in the mailbox.  We are just that much closer!  I of course had to take a picture of the finished application because I know I'm going to want to scrapbook all this sometime!
Next steps include our home study and making payments.

Application

Today Matt and I went to a meeting at CSS and we now are proud holders of an adoption application!  Lots of work to do now!  We will be working on this to try to finish as quickly as possible.  After we finish with the application, we will be assigned a home study writer and will get 3 visits which ironically will talk to us about our past, present, and future. Some very exciting things ahead!