Feelings of Adoption

One of my little sisters just recently asked for my feelings about the adoption process.  She was doing a speech from a soon-to-be-parent's point of view.  This is what I wrote for her and since I have not posted anything for about 8 months, I figured this would be fitting.

Waiting for an adoption has taken many forms in quite the roller-coaster of emotions. One of those being excitement. Excitement the day we got all our paperwork in and thought "We are going to be parents tomorrow! We are the best looking couple in the pool with the best jobs and the best extended family. We look really good!" Excitement every time we get a "hospital-baby" call (a birthmother who either didn't know she was pregnant or had not made a decision on an adoption plan births a baby and an adoptive family is needed immediately). Excitement when we get an email from our case worker that there are birthmothers making adoption plans and they will be choosing a family soon.

Another emotion being happiness-ish. While we are waiting, thinking about what our new little one may look like and grow up to be. Happiness as we prepare a nursery with the cutest jungle animals (painted all by myself!), purchasing our first crib and stroller. Don't even mention how happy we were when we bought the crib mattress and sheet! Happy that over the several years of infertility, we are finally going to get what we have always wanted. 

And then you get the feeling of just neutrality. "Eh, it'll happen." Go on with our day and sometimes not even think about it.

At the bottom of each rollercoaster hill, you have depression, anger, and jealousy. Watching other people with their brand new babies, hearing about people getting pregnant so easily as if by mistake. Wishing you were able to tuck your child in every night, give them a kiss, and read them a book. Wishing you could complain about having to deal with how much diapers cost, how little sleep you got the night before, that they are crawling and getting into EVERYTHING, that they cry all night, that you're using your own sick days because they're sick. Thinking the people that live in that house with the broken down cars out front and plastic over the windows, and six kids deserved them more than we do. Or the ones in the grocery store that yell at their kids in front of everyone. This, of course, makes us think "What did we ever do to not deserve our own children?"

And then with a quick email to and from our case worker, or a change of routine, or scenery, we are back to maybe the neutrality stage, or the happiness-ish stage, and quite even possibly the excitement stage.  Knowing full well that the roller-coaster ride will never end.  It will continue even after we are placed. Excitement of each milestone. Happiness in finally having someone to share our lives with. Neutrality when it all becomes routine.  Depression, anger, and jealousy when we go through the process again thinking it was easier the first time and why is it quicker and easier for some. The depression and anger and sadness of having your child get hurt, go to the doctor, get their shots, get really sick, getting no sleep.  It will never end. 

Home Study Finalized!

Since our last post, our adoption process has moved quickly.  In December, before Christmas, our adoption coordinator came out to do the home study.  This is where they make sure your home is safe for children (no chains or items of torture) and that you are sane enough to have children in your home.  Really all she did was check to make sure we had a room designated for a child, that every sleeping room had smoke detectors, and that our guns were locked up.  After that we sat down and had a conversation about what we were looking for in a child, how we met, and other biographical questions.
The home study writer came back the following week to do the second of three home studies (the third one will be done when a child is placed with us).  This time she only spoke with Lindsay for about an hour and a half and then with Matt for an hour and a half.  She asked questions about our childhood, our families, how we felt about our spouse, how we dealt with stress, work, and what our support systems were like.
It all went really well.  The writer had told us ahead of time that it is pretty difficult not to be approved on the home study.  You would have to be some crazy criminal.  Lindsay was not worried, but was very surprised that Matt was worried about being approved.  Matt is usually the optimist.  The writer sent a copy of the home study to us to look over before she handed it to her supervisor, and we had to fix any errors that we saw.  With a few minor errors it was ready to be finalized.
As of January 26th, we are officially able to have a child placed in our home!! YAY!
So what are the next steps?  We are currently working on our portfolio that will be seen by birthmothers (or soon-to-be birthmothers) and our "Dear Birthmother" letter.  These are handed to those parents who we are considered to be a good match for.  It's pretty much our life in a few pages and photos.  So it will take a bit to finish.
We also have to take an infant care class, which will be February 14th.  After all those are done, we will be officially placed in the pool of adoptive families!  I'm hoping by the time our class is finished, we will be good to go - so mid- to end of February is my goal.
We are both very excited!  It has been quite the experience so far, but we know since it's gone good so far, this must be what God wants us to do.  We are currently taking a break from all the injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, and fertility medication - letting Lindsay's body relax for a bit.  We are not giving up having a biological child, but it's nice to have a break!!

Adoption Application Finished!

We've done it!  It only took a month (plus) to complete, but it's done!  I put our finished adoption application in the mail this morning.  It felt like a huge task stuffing that envelope, sealing it up, and placing it in the mailbox.  We are just that much closer!  I of course had to take a picture of the finished application because I know I'm going to want to scrapbook all this sometime!
Next steps include our home study and making payments.

Application

Today Matt and I went to a meeting at CSS and we now are proud holders of an adoption application!  Lots of work to do now!  We will be working on this to try to finish as quickly as possible.  After we finish with the application, we will be assigned a home study writer and will get 3 visits which ironically will talk to us about our past, present, and future. Some very exciting things ahead!

Adoption Workshop

So this weekend we took our first big step in adoption.  We went to an adoption workshop in Anchorage all weekend.  We received TONS of information about adoptions.  I would say ALL our questions were answered along with questions we didn't even know we had.

Friday night we got to listen to a panel of adoptive parents, which was just wonderful.  We loved to hear each different story.  It really helped us to be even more excited about this important decision we made.  We also learned about things to do and not to do.  I think one of the most important things we were told during the panel was to remember that the adoption is such a small part of the process.  Parenting is what you will be doing from the day you get your child forward.

On Saturday we discussed transracial adoptions, adoption fees, legal issues, emotional issues, and we were also supposed to have an adoptee panel.  Our adoptee panel turned into one person who works for CSS, and was adopted back in '85.  She spoke about being left on the doorstep of a Korean orphanage and being raised in that orphanage until she was three until she was adopted by an American family in Michigan.  She was very positive and had a great personality.  I think she brought up a lot of issues that adoptees may go through throughout their lives.  Also good to know!  A lawyer came in to talk about the legal issues.  That part was a little boring (we had talked about most of it already).  Dang lawyers! ;)  The other thing we talked about was the adoption fees and I think we feel quite a bit better about that part of it all. One of the most important pieces from today was  Positive Adoption Language.  We never really thought about the language we use when talking about adoption, but this language makes sense.  Please click on the link above to take a look.  It is very important to us that all our friends and family begin to learn and use the same language.

Sunday we discussed birth families - who they are and what they go through in the adoption process.  We also talked more about the adoption process and what happens before, during, and after the baby is born.  Two birth mothers came in to share their stories which were just absolutely heart-wrenching and amazing.    I just could never imagine how a mother can make the decision to make an adoption plan for their child, but what a wonderful gift.  I just think how wonderful it would be to be lucky enough to be chosen to receive that gift.

So now we are done with that step.  We were told we had to wait a week or so before asking for an application. (Warning: venting about to take place)  UGH!!! Haven't we waited enough?!  We've been trying for nearly 7 years, waiting for our own.  We wait monthly for medication, blood tests, dr. appointments, cycles, etc.  We had to wait for this workshop. We'll be waiting for our home study, recommendation, portfolio, selection by a birthmother, relinquishment, and 6 month period until finalization.  Rrr! (Okay, venting done).